Questions.

Some things are just so overwhelmingly beautiful all I can say is "Thanks for this God."

Usually it's things that are temporary, that I know won't last long. Often times that is really hard for me to understand. I ask God "WHY" a lot. I really just want to understand him. I want to understand everything he is doing. Afterall he has ultimate wisdom of things, He knows best, I want that, I want to know God's thoughts. I realize that can never happen. But is there not some sort of medium here? God wants to be known by us, what does that look like?

I know, as a child of his it is not always my place to know certain things. I have such a hard time understanding why he would give me things just to take them away again. It hurts. Yes, a lot of the time I grow and thank Him for the experiences, but sometimes I just don't understand the hurt. And I feel I never will. How is that okay?

I don't have any answers for that. I really want to be content that my Father has everything handled. I want to be able to completely trust and feel content even when I don't understand why he brings certain things in and out of my life.

It seems like recently I have thanked God for things that are bringing me a sense of content, but I know those things won't last long and i find myself pleading with God before they end to make the disappearance of those things less painful. And then I wonder why those things fluctuate in and out of my life, and if they are even from Him. And if they aren't why did He not protect me? What am I to learn out of these situations? This is definitely my westerner microwave mentality coming into play I'm sure. Those that wrote the Bible knew what it meant to wait on God, wait in the suffering, wait in whatever they may be in. So I'm looking through the scriptures, and its hard, hard to wait.

Oh Daddy, why not reveal more of yourself to me? I want it, I want you. You see my needs, my deepest thoughts and desires, and you say you protect me and work everything out for the good...I just want to know where you are. Where are you God? You're here, obviously, but how? How are you working?

Do I answer the unresolved questions I have in various situations in my life after God answers the questions I have for him? Or are these simultaneous? When I talk to God, I feel like I run myself in circles, but I also feel like I'm running myself in circles in other places in life. I need him to intervene. Is that all I ask?

This entry has a lot of question marks, but that is just sort of where I am at right now, with lots and lots and lots of ??? floating around. Some things go gorgeously and are a blessing...and I know we can not ever really appreciate these until we do not have them, but what if we've already been in the valley for these things? What if we are just tired? And sometimes we need God to show himself through these things. So when a situation in life starts to finally go right and then wrong again I wonder where God is at. What is he doing? What should I be doing?

But maybe all I need is
silence.
time.
Just to let him work.
I don't need to be in control, as much as I want to