Immanuel

Why are we so afraid to come to God with our crap? I feel like that is a really big problenm for us, to put aside our pride and come to God broken so he can fix us. For some reason we feel like we need to repair ourselves before we come before God. It is incredible to me that we al struggle with trusting God so we put our trust in everyone else. Everyone who will, without a doubt, fail us. Yet, we are scared to out our trust in the One who has never and will never break our trust or stop believing in and loving us.

I had been thinking about it a lot lately and my youth pastor gave some good insight into it. He explained why we are afraid of coming to God with our crap. We see ourselves as the center of the universe and when God makes himself close, or even the idea of God being close scares us so much we tell God to go away because its scary for us. But God is always close and we don't see that. Take Peter on the boat, they couldnt catch anything all night and then Jesus shows up and is like "Throw the nets out again. And they do and they get a crapload of fish. (eloquently put I know) They get more than they could ever have imagined. And then Peter says "Lord,i am a sinful man, go away from me." Peter couldnt handle the closeness of God. He wasnt comfortable with God and his power being so close to his life. He felt too sinful for God to be there with him. He felt like he needed it figured out before Jesus came but that didn't get him any fish did it? Jesus took over and was with him even though Peter didn't have it all together.

Then there is David. David made some pretty crappy decisions. Like really bad. adultery, then murder, and it took him a while to even repent of that. Yet God loved David, held David in such high regard. Why? Because God saw himself in David. He was titled the man after God's heart because even with all that crap he had, he ran to God. God was at his center. David saw that he wasn't the center. He messed up. a lot. and gloriously at that. Yet God upholds David so high because despite and in the midst of all of David's crap, he saw himself in David. If God sees himself in David, he sees himself in us. God sees himself in us? wow. That's huge to me. No matter how much crap and terrible things we accomplish as humans, we can always bet God is close. and we shouldnt back away from that. He isn't in the clouds choosing to come and go as he pleases. He is with us. Immanuel: "God with us."

Jesus didn't leave Peter after he told him to go away from him. He pretty much said that he wasnt going anywhere. He knew Peter was a screw up but he was willing to do so much for him anyway. It was peter that wasn't comfortable with his closeness. But jesus didnt back away; instead he accepted him and helped him even though he had his crap. and David had an incredible amount of crap, but God saw himself in him anyway and David was held so high because he came to God with it. so great.

Desire.

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

-Thomas Merton

spoke my heart.

Life is Beautiful.

Life is beautiful.

that is all. absolutely beautiful.

no picture needed, life.is.beautiful.

Never.

He will never give up on me.
He will never abandon me.
He will never tell me I am not good enough.
He will never lead me into pain.
He will never distance himself from me.
He will never let me down.
He will never have any other motives but of love.
He will never neglect.
He will never ever make the mistakes the world chooses.

Sometimes who God is is most clear to me by who He is not.
I may only be human, but he is God. Grasp his perfectness? Oh, how I will try.

**On the picture, I usually dislike depictions of a white, clean clothed Jesus, but this one was different.**

Questions.

Some things are just so overwhelmingly beautiful all I can say is "Thanks for this God."

Usually it's things that are temporary, that I know won't last long. Often times that is really hard for me to understand. I ask God "WHY" a lot. I really just want to understand him. I want to understand everything he is doing. Afterall he has ultimate wisdom of things, He knows best, I want that, I want to know God's thoughts. I realize that can never happen. But is there not some sort of medium here? God wants to be known by us, what does that look like?

I know, as a child of his it is not always my place to know certain things. I have such a hard time understanding why he would give me things just to take them away again. It hurts. Yes, a lot of the time I grow and thank Him for the experiences, but sometimes I just don't understand the hurt. And I feel I never will. How is that okay?

I don't have any answers for that. I really want to be content that my Father has everything handled. I want to be able to completely trust and feel content even when I don't understand why he brings certain things in and out of my life.

It seems like recently I have thanked God for things that are bringing me a sense of content, but I know those things won't last long and i find myself pleading with God before they end to make the disappearance of those things less painful. And then I wonder why those things fluctuate in and out of my life, and if they are even from Him. And if they aren't why did He not protect me? What am I to learn out of these situations? This is definitely my westerner microwave mentality coming into play I'm sure. Those that wrote the Bible knew what it meant to wait on God, wait in the suffering, wait in whatever they may be in. So I'm looking through the scriptures, and its hard, hard to wait.

Oh Daddy, why not reveal more of yourself to me? I want it, I want you. You see my needs, my deepest thoughts and desires, and you say you protect me and work everything out for the good...I just want to know where you are. Where are you God? You're here, obviously, but how? How are you working?

Do I answer the unresolved questions I have in various situations in my life after God answers the questions I have for him? Or are these simultaneous? When I talk to God, I feel like I run myself in circles, but I also feel like I'm running myself in circles in other places in life. I need him to intervene. Is that all I ask?

This entry has a lot of question marks, but that is just sort of where I am at right now, with lots and lots and lots of ??? floating around. Some things go gorgeously and are a blessing...and I know we can not ever really appreciate these until we do not have them, but what if we've already been in the valley for these things? What if we are just tired? And sometimes we need God to show himself through these things. So when a situation in life starts to finally go right and then wrong again I wonder where God is at. What is he doing? What should I be doing?

But maybe all I need is
silence.
time.
Just to let him work.
I don't need to be in control, as much as I want to

Psalm 46.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

(photo by my friend Caroline)

Hugs.

Hugs. One of the most beautiful inventions of mankind.

I've heard more than a few adults comment on how "huggy" our generation is. And it's true. It seems that people now, more than ever are desperate for love. We look for it everywhere but where we can fulfill it. We look for comfort everywhere and time after time it seems we fail. 

When you get a hug from someone, is it not one of the most comforting things in the world? Like in that moment, you are absolutely loved. Absolutely. The feeling is fantastic.

I always wonder what it would be like if God physically hugged me. When I pray I sometimes ask Him for that. I want to crawl into my Daddy's lap and have him embrace me. I think a lot of times, we discount God as some being who is up in the clouds, but He says he walks with us, He talks with us, He wants to hug us too. He can fulfill us. He dearly loves us. He delights in our laughter, our smiles. His arms are open. He wants to pick us up in an embrace. But we have to open our arms first.